Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Sexuality can be a vicious beast!

There was a time, not all that long ago, that sex was nothing but a bitter battle for my A and I, it turned our home into an emotional war zone. We'd drawn a line in the sand and we were both standing on opposite sides refusing to cross over and meet each other halfway. There was a lot of hurt and rejection on both of our parts and we're both so unreasonably stubborn that I was fairly certain this battle over sex would be the demise of our relationship.

I wish that I could lay the blame fully at A's door and claim complete innocence but I can't. A very big part of the blame (but not all because there are numerous things that contribute to our unhappiness with each other) for our years of bitterness landed squarely at my door. I'm not sure how but somewhere along the line my sex drive just STOPPED. And I mean stopped. Zip, zilch, zero, done, finished, kaput. I didn't want it and no matter how hard A tried to stimulate me, it just wasn't happening. A was extremely patient with me in the beginning, doing everything he possibly could - fingers, lips, teeth, tongue, cock... anything - to please me but after a year of passionless and basically lifeless fucks he just didn't care anymore. It was a blow to his ego. I didn't want him so why should he try.

The line was drawn. A turned away from me and it hurt, but I refused to budge. It wasn't my fault I didn't want sex anymore, was it?

This emotionally draining battle went on and on. It was so heartbreaking for both of us because before I went through this weird phase, we'd had a good sex life. We'd tear into each other mindlessly, desperately... anywhere, everywhere, all the time. So, what happened? What the hell was wrong with me?

I finally buckled. I couldn't take it anymore. I loved the man and I thought if we could just talk it through reasonably we could overcome this chasm between us. We talked. A wasn't very receptive at first. Rejection is a painful thing and he'd felt it from me too many times to blindly open himself up to it again but love can be stronger than the pain rejection inflicts. So we tried again. We started masturbating for and with each other, we went toy shopping, we expanded our porn collection, we opened up and started communicating our wants and our needs, our desires and our fantasy's. There are still a lot of hit or misses - I'll want it and he's too tired, he'll want it and I'm just not in the mood - but we've come a long way. It's not perfect but it's better. Much better.

Like a tightly closed rosebud, I bloom for you
My soft pink petals glistening with dew

I gently spread those delicate petals apart
The pounding in my loins in tune with my heart

I'm open for you... to touch, to taste, to take
Oh God, this need for you is a constant ache

I've never felt this insatiable craving before
No matter how much you give, I always want more

Come to me, please... I long to feel you inside
I'm burning for you, God, will this ache ever subside

Posted by SD at 10:35 AM


  1. Blogger Circe posted at 6:29 PM, June 08, 2005  
    It is, isn't it? Liberating, I mean.

    I went through the same thing with my husband - only it went on for years. Only now are we starting that road back. Wanting him again is truly wonderful.

    Bravo to you and A!
  2. Blogger O posted at 8:54 PM, June 08, 2005  
    SD, you are truly one of my heros, an inspiration!
  3. Blogger Jeff posted at 4:18 PM, June 09, 2005  
    What once drove us mad, still drives us wild.... very nice.
  4. Blogger O posted at 7:08 PM, June 09, 2005  
    SD, Congratulations, my lovely! just saw your review on Jane's Guide...(kiss)
  5. Blogger SD posted at 7:22 PM, June 09, 2005  
    circe... Yes, it is liberating-- extremely. I'm so happy to hear that you and your mate are working your back to each other. There's nothing more thrilling than rediscovering passion with someone that you truly love. And thank you.

    O... Aww, now see, you made me blush. Your entries leave me breathless so I'll echo the sentiment. Thank you for the lovely words and the congrats on the review. ~kisses back~

    [jx]... Beautifully put ;) Thank you.
  6. Blogger Gabby Hey posted at 4:15 PM, June 10, 2005  
    You are such a lovely writer and I so relate to your post. I am also in the re-awakening phase with my husband and it's wonderful. I think it's not only saved our marriage, but strengthened it. I just can't get enough of him.

    Thanks for sharing your story and congrats on the Jane's review.
  7. Blogger 81 Vaginas posted at 8:29 PM, June 10, 2005  
    it's nice to see that people find their way back.
  8. Blogger rodtalks posted at 4:42 AM, June 11, 2005  
    How wonderful for both of you that you've found your ways through the darkness and have emerged out the other side......enjoy!
  9. Blogger SD posted at 10:17 PM, June 12, 2005  
    gabby... Thank you for the lovely compliments. Yes, it is so liberting and wonderful to find passion again. I'm happy to hear that you and your mate are rediscovering each other.

    81 v's... Yes, it's a lovely feeling.

    Rod... Thank you! And I certainly intend to enjoy it ;)


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