Friday, October 13, 2006

Secret Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot lately. Too much, I believe. I'm very used to taking things as they are, and seeing things as they're shown to me. I often see beyond what is shown, and I think I've come to take that for granted. I also have just realised a huge truth about myself.

There have been so many times in the past that I've worried that I've done wrong, that I let myself down by giving up on love and going for the sexual relationships I've had. I realized that I often hurt myself by picking to be with men who wanted nothing more than sex from me, and then actually caring for them and doing the complete girly thing by thinking -deep down where I never even admitted it to myself - that maybe I could be the one to change them. Or that maybe the sexual chemistry meant he was "the one". Then I'd fall into the trap of thinking I was only good for sexual relationships, becasue those were all I was good at.

Three times in my life I've actually let myself believe I might've found Him. The one. Two of those times, I was the one to walk away. I was the one to let things go because the intensity of what I felt, so soon, scared me. The third time, the last time, he was the one to walk away. When he did, I worried that it was karmic payback for my not having faith in the first two.

Not one of these times was I ever in love. I've never let myself go that far. These are just the men that stick in my mind as reminders of times when I COULD HAVE had something, but I didn't let myself. Tonight I realized why I didn't actually open myself to them. It seems I am an all or nothing person in this department too.

You see, I've been talking with a friend. A friend who is ten years younger than me, but in the exact same place in her life as I was when I walked away from the first guy. And she's in the same sort of situation with a man right now. I see myself in her, and I see the path I chose so clearly, and I want to tell her to choose the other one.

At the same time as talking to her quite a bit lately, I've been debating the whole "get to know him even if there are no butterflies" thing. The fact that I've decided to try and back away from the stricly lovers type of relationships I've sadly, grown used to, and get to knwo the men I meet in hopes that a relationship will grow. And you know what? I realized that I don't like to get to know them without those butterflies in my tummy simply because, to me, the risk might not be worth the reward. By that I mean, I've realized why I have such a high wall around my heart. Because it is so soft, and so vulnerable.

It's not worth getting hurt if the payoff isn't going to be forever. Or if there is a chance the payoff might not be forever.

I've realised that I can not open up just a little, because opening up a little still opens me up to hurt. And if I keep things as just sexual, I can protect my heart.

The question is, should I protect my heart at the risk of my self esteem, because I do see that staying in strictly sexaul relationshiips is hurting me too. I'm starting to wonder if I'm capable of more...and that hurts too. So, is it better to opne and be hurt by another, or to know that the hurt you feel is caused by your own actions?

Posted by Sasha White at 12:35 AM

6 Comments

  1. Anonymous Anonymous posted at 8:58 PM, October 13, 2006  
    "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin
  2. Blogger Sasha White posted at 9:42 AM, October 14, 2006  
    Now I just need to find someone who wants to watch me blossom. :)

    A lovely saying, anonymous. Thank You.
  3. Blogger Lone Sloan Delirius posted at 11:31 AM, October 15, 2006  
    "You can be so right, and so alone."

    That's what Adam says when he quotes a woman's idea of a man who just won't see what he's got in front of him.
    A great portion of our lives involve varying degrees of risk. When we back away from the risks involved in important decisions we acclimate ourselves for a life spent in fear. (and that's not good.)
    No risk, no courage. These men you've walked away from took a risk with you and might have been hurt. They might have been convinced that any future relationship isn't worth the risk, and thus they, in turn might indirectly hurt future women they aren't willing to be hurt by.
    Maybe it isn't risk as much as it is a trust issue. Trust involves committment on faith. It may not always work out, but sometimes its required to get to better places.
    As for butterflies, never felt them. Its a myth, I met Adam and I couldn't stand him back then. I thought he was arrogant, domineering and elitist. When I was put in a position where I was forced to get to know him, I realized that he was none of those things. What I'm saying is it can take time to realize that sometimes the things best for us aren't the things that instantly spark our idea of fairy-tale romances. (Chasing all over northern Africa after a man is no romantic endeavor.)
    People grow over time and people need time to allow that growth to be recognized for its potential.
    Li once told me, the man who makes her heart flutter, her pulse race and gives her that magical feeling are never the ones who get out of bed at 3 in the morning in the middle of winter, drive twenty miles down a risky road to bring a jack to change her flat tire.
    The man that does that, had only one thought in mind. And it wasn't his comfort.
    Sometimes we want so much for ourselves and demand so much in the name of magical feelings that we rarely wonder what the emotional cost is to others for accommodating us. While simultaneously believing it is completely reasonable to refuse investing in the same cost for others.
    Captain Kirk told the new Captain of the Enterprise, "if you want to sit in the driver's seat risk is part of the job."

    If you choose to accept some risks you will be amazed at your own courage and discover as a woman and a human being strengths you might have thought you didn't have. And guess what, decent guys are attracted to that more than anything else in a woman.

    Michiko Katsuhito
  4. Blogger Jodie posted at 1:48 PM, October 15, 2006  
    The right one will come along eventually. My sister is/was the same. It's better to be single than be xually invovled when 'the one' shows up. No entanglements.

    My sister is now going to get married to a man 7-8yrs her junior. Love comes in the most unlikely of places, when you least expect it.
  5. Blogger Sasha White posted at 7:44 PM, October 16, 2006  
    A young hottie would be worth waiting for. *grin*

    Thanks, Jodie!
  6. Anonymous Phone Sex posted at 9:47 PM, November 15, 2010  
    Thanks to the author. You give us all strength and hope by openly sharing what you have been through.

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